Eight weeks ago I was excited that the Little Man would soon be starting school and that I would be gaining some me-time on a regular basis once again. I was looking forward to being able to put a much more concerted effort into building Forest Flower Designs into a business I could be proud of and, dare I say it, earn a living from (or at the very least contribute something more to the family coffers) We were leaving babyhood behind and watching our Little Man growing up.
We had thought about having another little one but there are so many things that my sensible head said were obstacles - our finances are precarious, to say the least; our two-bed shoe box house is barely big enough for the three of us, let alone another one, and there is no way we could get another mortgage to move; I ain't getting any younger (although you have all done your best to reassure me that having a baby in your late 30's is no big deal) plus I am still about 3 stone over weight from the last pregnancy...
But it happened - as I gleefully announced in my last post. And once the initial shock had worn off, we were happy about that. We would manage. We would hope for a boy so they could share a room. We would invest in a decent sofa bed and sleep downstairs if we had to. I would organise the work I do for Other Half's business into small chunks I could do daily and put Forest Flower Designs on hold for another couple of years if necessary. We would buy everything we needed second hand, and we wouldn't have nearly so much as we did first time anyway. We would cope. We could do this.
And, actually, we were quite excited about being parents again.
But 24 hours can change everything...
I suffered a heavy bleed a couple of nights ago and knew, in my heart, that that was it. Game over.
A month ago I spent best part of a day crying out of fear, frustration and despair. Yesterday I spent most of the day crying with disappointment, pain and sorrow.
It may have been no larger than orange pip but it already it was part of us. Plans were being made that included a fourth member of our family that now will not be there.
The little spark has been snuffed out before it had a chance to grow and show us it's true light.
It hurts bad right now, but we have been here before and I know the pain lessens with time.
Several people have asked if we will try again. Right now I have no idea. Maybe.